19 April 2007

FROM MY DAD…

0800 by Jeff Hess

I could never bring myself to forward all the email jokes, cartoons and other Internet comedy that land in my inbox. But then I started posting the ones my dad sends me. Judging from my comments and emails, my dad has become one of my greatest blogging assets. So for your morning blog chuckle I present: From My Dad.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

“First, you must wear a diaphragm.” ! Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?” “You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.”

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

“Where have you been?” demands the Fairy Godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!”

“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.” The Fairy Godmother stated, “I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!” Cinderella replied, I can’t remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other…”

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19 April 2007

FROM MY CHAPBOOK…

0400 by Jeff Hess

My name is Jeff Hess and I’m a biblioholic. I own hundreds of books. Not valuable books, mostly Science Fiction paperbacks and text books, tomes rescued by the bag from library book sales. A few years ago, in the interest of not burying myself, I began reading more books from the library and taking notes. My electronic chapbook was born.

This is a passage I copied from Story: Substance, structure, style and the principles of screenwriting by Robert McKee.

Story is about: principles, not rules; eternal, universal forms, not formulas; archetypes, not stereotypes; thoroughness, not shortcuts; the realities, not the mysteries of writing; mastering the art, not second guessing the marketplace; respect, not disdain, for the audience; originality, not duplication.

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18 April 2007

MUCKING OUT THE BLOGPILE…

1400 by Jeff Hess

I’m constantly tossing interesting websites into what I call my blogpile. Some of them find their way here in the form of regular posts, but more often than not they languish and get buried deeper in the pile. The end result is that I have to go back and do a bit of shoveling. Today’s item is Every castle in the world is unique in some way.

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18 April 2007

WHAT YOU BOUGHT YESTERDAY…

1333 by Jeff Hess

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18 April 2007

FROM THE SANDBOX…

1200 by Jeff Hess

1SG Troy Steward: This video features photographs from the second phase of Operation Mountain Fury, during which I was teamed up with Devil Company (D Co.) of 2/4th INF, 10th MTN DIV. The leadership and men of Devil Company are some of the best I have worked with over here from the regular army. They were all true professionals and have seen more…

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18 April 2007

WAL-MART WEDNESDAY…

1000 by Jeff Hess

It’s been a busy week in Wally World: the Universe’s source of cheap plastic crap. On The Writing On The Wal — the blog USA Today says should be on its readers’ radar — Jonathan Rees, Robert Feinman, Peter Sayles and I continue our work dedicated to drawing back the curtain on the Bentonvile Behemoth’s corporate disinformation and other flackery.

AT THE WALLY PLEX… There are sound stages on Hollywood”s back lots smaller than Bentonvile”s behemoths, so it”s no surprise that budding video talent has been sneaking cameras in at odd hours. And now for the midnight show at the Wally Plex featuring spoukqc. Keep reading…

BUYING ALDERMEN IN CHICAGO… Last week I posted a video from Penn and Teller on Wal-Mart. If you haven”t already watched it. Please do so now. I”ll wait. Welcome back. Do you have any doubts about what the video”s message is? Wal-Mart, good; unions, bad. Right. You got it. Keep reading…

WAL-MART FULFILLMENT CENTERS…? Last week the Wall Street gnomes were all agog about a double-top-secret plan to sell off Sam”s Clubs labeled Project Red. This week Sam”s Clubs are back in the news; this time in Utah where six years ago a Weber State speech set the stage. Keep reading…

BIGGER THAN FECKIN” EXXON… According to the 2007 Fortune 500 list, Wal-Mart is No. 1 with revenues of $351 billion and a profit of $11.2 billion compared to No. 2 Exxon with $347 billion in revenues but a whopping $39.5 billion in profits. And this was a bad year for Wal-Mart. Keep reading…

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18 April 2007

FROM MY DAD…

0800 by Jeff Hess

I could never bring myself to forward all the email jokes, cartoons and other Internet comedy that land in my inbox. But then I started posting the ones my dad sends me. Judging from my comments and emails, my dad has become one of my greatest blogging assets. So for your morning blog chuckle I present: From My Dad.

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

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18 April 2007

FROM MY CHAPBOOK…

0400 by Jeff Hess

My name is Jeff Hess and I’m a biblioholic. I own hundreds of books. Not valuable books, mostly Science Fiction paperbacks and text books, tomes rescued by the bag from library book sales. A few years ago, in the interest of not burying myself, I began reading more books from the library and taking notes. My electronic chapbook was born.

This is a passage I copied from Story: Substance, structure, style and the principles of screenwriting by Robert McKee.

A rule says, you must do it this way. A principle says, this works and has through all remembered time. Anxious, inexperienced writers obey rules. Rebellious, unschooled writers break rules. Artists master the form.

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17 April 2007

FOR MOLLY AND SALLY…

2132 by Jeff Hess

Posted in Humor, Video | 1 Comment »

17 April 2007

WRITING A CAR… DAY 25… -$736.34…

2100 by Jeff Hess

Today I further refined the list to break the broad categories — A and B lists — into good, better and best paying markets as defined by Writer’s Digest. (I’m still unclear where they draw that dollar line, but I’ll figure it out over the next few days.) Those magazines marked with a (T) are paying top fees.

The next tier down are those with an (I) that pay intermediate fees and all the unmarked books fall into WD’s moderate category.

Next up, links and detailed information about each book.

Butt… Chair… Write…

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17 April 2007

MUCKING OUT THE BLOGPILE…

1400 by Jeff Hess

I’m constantly tossing interesting websites into what I call my blogpile. Some of them find their way here in the form of regular posts, but more often than not they languish and get buried deeper in the pile. The end result is that I have to go back and do a bit of shoveling. Today’s item is Oort-Cloud Write – Share – Read – Respond.

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17 April 2007

THE SLAUGHTER OF INNOCENTS…

1209 by Jeff Hess

Tragic?

Of course.

But please consider…

this…

and

this…

and

this.

Posted in Social Justice & Advocacy | 8 Comments »

17 April 2007

FROM MY DAD…

0800 by Jeff Hess

I could never bring myself to forward all the email jokes, cartoons and other Internet comedy that land in my inbox. But then I started posting the ones my dad sends me. Judging from my comments and emails, my dad has become one of my greatest blogging assets. So for your morning blog chuckle I present: From My Dad.

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.”

Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do.

“Let me tell you a story,” replied the minister. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother said, “Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.”

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: “Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.”

The man protested: “But Reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“It doesn’t matter what you wear; you’re going to get screwed.”

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17 April 2007

FROM MY CHAPBOOK…

0400 by Jeff Hess

My name is Jeff Hess and I’m a biblioholic. I own hundreds of books. Not valuable books, mostly Science Fiction paperbacks and text books, tomes rescued by the bag from library book sales. A few years ago, in the interest of not burying myself, I began reading more books from the library and taking notes. My electronic chapbook was born.

This is a passage I copied from The Courage to Write: How Writers Transcend Fear by Ralph Keyes.

Tom Wolfe had gone to Los Angeles to report for Esquire on car customizing. He then found himself unable to compose a coherent article from his notes. During an all-night, deadline-driven writing stint Wolfe finally typed up forty-nine pages of those notes as a memo to Esquire”s managing editor. The next day this editor called Wolfe to say that they were going to publish his memo untouched. It ran as “The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby.” p. 154

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16 April 2007

WRITING A CAR… DAY 24… -$736.34…

2100 by Jeff Hess

I’ve cut my list down to 21 magazines on my A List and 38 magazines on my B List. For the most part the magazines on the A List pay on acceptance and those on the B List pay on, or after, publication. Tomorrow I’ll do a final pass to put the higher-paying markets first and then begin market analysis.

Butt… Chair… Write…

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16 April 2007

PETE TOWNSHEND… MEET YOUR FUTURE…

1937 by Jeff Hess

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16 April 2007

MUCKING OUT THE BLOGPILE…

1400 by Jeff Hess

I’m constantly tossing interesting websites into what I call my blogpile. Some of them find their way here in the form of regular posts, but more often than not they languish and get buried deeper in the pile. The end result is that I have to go back and do a bit of shoveling. Today’s item is 101 Ways to Make Money Online.

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16 April 2007

FROM THE SANDBOX…

1200 by Jeff Hess

SGT Derek McGee: I am home now; it”s nice I guess. Things are different. So am I. It is hard to get excited about things, anything really. Food is all right, I get sort of excited about that, and women –well one anyway. Maybe I”m more mature now; maybe I”m just bored, I don”t know. I gave up hunting. I regret this because I love venison. I never was very good at…

Posted in The Sandbox | 2 Comments »

16 April 2007

MONA’S MONDAY…

0800 by Jeff Hess

My dad isn’t the only one who sends me fun stuff via email. A good friend and educational mentor also routinely passes along her share of chuckles — intermixed with not a few requests for veracity on things viral and outrageous. Don’t worry, there still plenty of stuff to come From My Dad but occasionally I’ll toss a few of Mona’s finds in as well.

The Washington Post’s Annual Neologism Contest

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.

Posted in From My Dad, Humor | 4 Comments »

16 April 2007

FROM MY CHAPBOOK…

0400 by Jeff Hess

My name is Jeff Hess and I’m a biblioholic. I own hundreds of books. Not valuable books, mostly Science Fiction paperbacks and text books, tomes rescued by the bag from library book sales. A few years ago, in the interest of not burying myself, I began reading more books from the library and taking notes. My electronic chapbook was born.

This is a passage I copied from The Courage to Write: How Writers Transcend Fear by Ralph Keyes.

Boxing manager Cus D”Amato told his fighters, “Fear is your best friend.” By this, D”Amato meant that boxers who weren”t afraid let their attention wander. A fighter with anything on his mind other than the man trying to knock him out soon found himself on the floor looking up at another man in a bow tie counting to ten. p. 130

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